final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
