my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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