Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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