She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize