Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
