It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
