I feel great
I just peed on a car
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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