Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
