last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
