if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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