Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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