I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
