i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
