he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
