Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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