They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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