god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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