Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
