Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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