The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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