After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
