I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm passing your future prison.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize