My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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