Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
