probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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