If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
