fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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