so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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