so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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