Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
