I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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