i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
