there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
