Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize