I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
