a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
