im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
