at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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