After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
