Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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