When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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