Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
