You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
