I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize