Welp...herpes.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
