He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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