he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
