you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
And then he peed in my hair
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