alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My breath smells like gin and sadness
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
