Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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