i permit you to call me
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
