I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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