Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
