Got a toothbrush?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize