Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
