I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
