it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
